The EditoriaList: Top Seven Senseless Appearances In Rock Documentaries

posted in: Features • Rock

You’re sitting there, enjoying Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, when all of a sudden Gore Vidal appears on screen to discuss the political implications of Bieber’s evolving hairstyle. OK, that didn’t happen, but the following actual rock doc commentators are just as jarringly inappropriate:

7. Stones in Exile
Will.i.am, Sheryl Crow, Liz Phair

I don’t even want to hear what Will.i.am thinks about The Black Eyed Peas, never mind what he has to say about The Rolling Stones’ masterpiece Exile on Main Street. Sheryl Crow shows up to tell us how much musicians revere the album. Was there literally no one else available? Due respect to Sheryl Crow, but her music doesn’t exactly evoke the gritty swinging awesomeness of Exile. And finally, Liz Phair seems to be included strictly by virtue of the reference in the title of her first LP, Exile in Guyville.

6. The Flaming Lips: The Fearless Freaks
Adam Goldberg, Christina Ricci, Juliette Lewis

Unless they have some direct connection with the artists, I can’t get down with listening to actors talk about being a fan. Yeah, I’m a fan, too, that’s why I’m watching this. What possible insight are you providing me? What’s that you say? Yes, I know, I feel the same way. We’re both fans, you see. Wait, did you produce their last record? Oh, me neither. I think these three actors are all great, but what are the chances that the (at the time) romantically-linked Goldberg and Ricci each have something independently valuable to add to my understanding or appreciation of The Flaming Lips?

5. Soul Train: The Hippest Trip in America
Nick Cannon

What’s that, now?

4. Standing in the Shadows of Motown
Joan Osborne, Ben Harper

This movie tells the fantastic story of the Motown house band The Funk Brothers, but did we really need re-interpretations of Motown hits by the likes of Joan Osborne and Ben Harper?* Are Osborne and Harper singers of such caliber that they deserve to stand in front of one of the greatest session bands of all time?**

* No.
** They are not.

3. The U.S. vs. John Lennon
Geraldo Rivera

I know Geraldo was around and interviewed members of The Beatles during the ’70s, but has a bigger jackass than this guy ever lived? He is a stooge and a regurgitator of pop news, whose only talent is his boundless ambition. I’d be against seeing him in this film even if it were revealed that he is actually Lennon’s long-lost brother. But as it happens, he offers nothing here of any such worth, in keeping with the spirit of his entire career.

2. Imagine: John Lennon / Behind the Music: Julian Lennon
Elliot Mintz

If you didn’t speak a word of English and watched Elliot Mintz talking, you would understand almost immediately that he is an unjustifiably self-important prick. I am a Beatle fan who has no problem with Yoko Ono, but as her spokesman for many years now, Elliot Mintz has done little for her public image. (He has also, somewhat appropriately, represented despicable characters such as Paris Hilton and Chris Brown.) I don’t suppose it’s possible to come off quite as condescending and pompous as Mintz does without rigorous practice and discipline, so I commend him for mastering the craft. The worst is the demeaning way in which he discusses Julian Lennon in the latter’s VH1 Behind the Music episode, inserting himself as a key player in the complicated Lennon family drama. I don’t blame Yoko for the breakup of The Beatles, but I will never forgive her for Elliot Mintz. Look at this silly orange bastard:

1. Lemmy
C.C. DeVille

Wait, what happened here? Motí¶rhead’s Lemmy Kilmister had Poison’s C.C. Deville play on a recent record? Was this some kind of lost wager? Deville says about Lemmy: If someone gets so big that what they do musically is just an asterisk for what they represent, I mean, there’s few people who attain that stature. Setting aside C.C.’s trailblazing sentence structure and daring mid-premise abandonment, I think most Motí¶rhead fans would disagree that the music is an asterisk to his legend. At least he wasn’t wearing rouge when he said it. If C.C. Deville was so concerned about what Lemmy represents, he would never have formed fucking Poison.