The Editorialist: 5 Band Names That Drive Journalists Mad

posted in: Music News • Pop • Rock

Okay, we all know there are plenty of terrible band names out there. From Anal Cunt to The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza, we music journalists have seen it all… that is, of course, until the next new pile of grammatical regurgitation comes along to agitate our articles. Some names in particular, however, really grind my gears because of how frustrating they are to write or include in a sentence, with their unnecessary punctuation or drawn-out clauses. I know there are no definitive rules to making a band name, and I know we live in a progressive, liberal culture where artistic expression is all about pushing the envelope, but some bands are just trying too hard (or not hard enough). Call me closed minded or old fashioned, but while I respect the artistic decision to do whatever the hell you want and not care what anyone thinks, I still think there should be some sort of parameters to naming a band. So I’ve decided to highlight my top five most frustrating band names, specifically for music journalists and any English nerd concerned with grammar, punctuation, or syntax.

(Disclaimer: This list is not a direct commentary on the bands themselves or the quality of their music. In fact, I happen to like most of the bands on this list, which I think might be what frustrates me the most.)

5. fun.
I know, I know, “Hey, they’re a great band!” They’re very successful too, but I put fun. on this list… wait… I’m sorry did you think I was finished with my sentence? Or did you think that was a typo? That’s because the band’s name has a damn period at the end! Now, I know they’re not the first (nor will they be the last) band to have sentence-closing punctuation in their name, but you’d think they would at least have the common courtesy, or self respect, to capitalize the first letter, right? Wrong. fun. is on this list because the beginning of this sentence is wrong. And the more I look at it, the more I feel like punching my computer screen. If you ask me, the name fun. isn’t very fun at all.

4. Sunn O)))
I think we can all spot the elephant in the room here. Doom metal band Sunn O))) named themselves after the defunct amplifier company, Sunn. However, notice the difference between the two names. You see, the amp company normally had a logo next to their name. It was not part of their name. But the guys in the band loved it so much that they just had to include it in their own moniker. The result is a typographic representation of the logo involving a capital O followed by three closing parentheses. Congratulations guys, you did it. You have a whole section of your name that cannot be pronounced by anyone. But in all honesty, the reason why this band isn’t ranked higher on my list is because I like Sunn amps, and these guys clearly do too (both band members use one), so paying homage is something I can get behind. I just think the parentheses are too much.

3. The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die
The world is a terrible place, and now I actually want to die. Thank you for reminding me of this every time I have to hear/read about your band. This name, and it’s cumbersome acronym TWIABPAIANLATD, is the biggest example of excessive poetic pretension that I have ever come across. Often shortened to “The World Is A Beautiful Place” or “The World Is,” they decided that a full two-part statement can be a name, and you know what? It sure can! In fact, my band name is this entire article that you’re reading right now. Yup, this is it. Even this part here. It doesn’t matter! The possibilities are endless!!! But seriously, I have nothing against this band”they’re actually quite talented and make great music”but even they have to admit that it is a burden for any person to have to write out their full name in a sentence or squeeze it onto a flyer. Of course, a name like this comes with the territory of being signed to Boston’s Topshelf Records, a fantastic indie label for sure, but notorious for signing bands with long, bizarre, and ostentatious names. At a certain point it just becomes an obstacle for communication. “Hey, you guys wanna go see The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die this Saturday? It’s gonna be a great show!” Honestly, I’m starting to think fun. isn’t so bad after all.

2. !!!
This classic always finds it’s way onto every “worst band names” list, and rightly so. Pronounced many different ways, such as “click, click, click,” the sound “chk, chk, chk,” or any three repeated monosyllabic words/sounds, !!! can hardly be considered a name. If it is, then here are a few more I just came up with: … [[[ ++= ]]~ !$$ ”’ ||| ??? /// -__-  <(**<) <( ** )> (>**)>. Take you’re pick. They’re all good ones, and they make just about as much sense. I get it, it’s controversial, it’s different, it’s exciting. But after the joke’s over, it’s just plain annoying!!!

1. Empire! Empire! (I Was A Lonely Estate)
As much as I dislike sentence-closing punctuation in a band name, Empire! Empire! isn’t the worst name in the world… What? There’s more? A parenthetical statement? Woof. Okay, hold on. I think I need to go lay down. What’s wrong with just calling your band “Empire”? You can even keep the exclamation points. Listen, I understand you’re an artsy type”I consider myself one too”but at some point you have to draw the line in terms of what makes sense for the name of your band. Another classic in the Topshelf Records roster, this one far surpasses The World Is A Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid To Die due to the use of conversation-stopping punctuation and a structure that makes anyone who tries to say it sound confused. However, when you read founding member Keith Latinen’s explanation of the name, you find that there certainly is a careful amount of thought and symbolism associated with it. Still, that doesn’t make this moniker any less frustrating for a journalist to write about, which is why it is number one on my list.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to my favorite Fiona Apple record.

More like this: