British Royal Navy Puts a New Spin On Music Piracy
posted in: Features • Rock
In totally thought this was an Onion article news, the Metro recently reported that Britney Spears‘ songs are being used to prevent Somali pirates from kidnapping other sailors.
The Navy’s Second Officer, Rachel Owens, told the Metro that several Spears tracks, including “Baby One More Time” and “Oops! I Did It Again,” are routinely blared from the ship’s speakers to keep pirates at bay.
“Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most,” Owens said. “These guys can’t stand Western culture or music, making Britney’s hits perfect.”
While Somali pirates may not be huge fans of Western music in general, there are at least a few maritime-themed songs by American artists that would likely be more of an inspiration to marauders than a deterrent. Here are a handful of tracks that the British Royal Navy should be careful to avoid playing, lest the pirates get fired up.
Set Your Goals – “Mutiny!”
If the exclamation mark in the song’s title wasn’t a dead giveaway, “Mutiny!” by Set Your Goals is an energetic, uptempo number riddled with seafaring references. I have personally seen these San Francisco natives whip teenaged show attendees into a frenzy on more than one occasion, and I have no doubt that their anthemic pop-punk would have the same effect on pirates. With hooky breakdowns, cannon sound effects, and gang vocals galore, SYG have crafted a track that’s guaranteed to inspire some pillaging and plundering.
Senses Fail – “Rum is For Drinking, Not Burning”
“Now set the sail to quarter mast, we’ll jump the ship, we’ll sink ’em fast. Men, follow me to victory!” With lyrics like that, the second single from Senses Fail’s 2004 debut is essentially a how-to guide for causing mayhem on the high seas, and it makes the pirate life sound pretty badass. Almost makes me feel like I went into the wrong line of work. (Also, that’s just some pretty practical life advice, you guys. Rum is expensive and fires are messy. Drink it down, don’t light it up.)
Wonder Years – “Dude, What is a Land Pirate?”
In the days before they were pioneering quarter-life crisis punk, Philadelphia’s The Wonder Years wrote a whole lot of goofy, synth-heavy tunes about zombies and ninjas and, yes, pirates. They also wrote about riding bikes, “moshercising,” and how much New Jersey sucks. Simpler times. “Dude, What is a Land Pirate?” is a track about a seafarer who’s too badass to go to prom (We slit throats, we don’t cut rugs), and it would definitely remind any would-be raiders to stop messing around and get back to their nefarious deeds.
Muppets – “Professional Pirate”
Did you honestly think I’d get through this whole list without mentioning a single song from Muppet Treasure Island? Yeah right. Jury’s out on whether this would inspire kidnappings or not… maybe it would help with recruitment? Either way, it takes a stronger soul than I to avoid referencing Kermit and the gang when the opportunity presents itself.
Follow Em on Twitter @emcHAMMERRR